in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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