I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
