So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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