You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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