I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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