my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
