the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
