Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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