after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
