I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
