Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
