Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
