Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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