She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
