your parents love me but you hate me
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Houston, we have a squirter
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
