This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
