i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize