Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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