My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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