she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
splinters make it hard to masturbate
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
