So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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