OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
