you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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