she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i dont even know how to be here
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
