I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
