it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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