You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
