I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize