you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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