Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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