My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
