I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
