My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
