there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
