I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
