So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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