u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize