Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
