So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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