i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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