Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
