The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
