Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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