Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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