We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
