I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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