theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We left an ass print on the piano.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
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