Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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