She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
