Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You smell like stripper and shame
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
