I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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