Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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