During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Randomize
