Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
