I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
