You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
