phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
