Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
