I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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