Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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