he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
