There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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