I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He passed out mid-signature
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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